I don’t want to sound biased here, but I’m fairly certain that Julia Lambert should win a prize for twin sisterhood. She was only able to come to NYC for not-even-24 hours, but come she did. She cooed over my cats (tell me my cats are cute, and we can be friends), helped me bake a cake, gave big hugs, and gave me completely awesome birthday presents. Practically the first thing she said upon arrival at my apartment was “Um, dude, you may want to open some of your presents before Mom and Dad get here. Just sayin’.”

SO I DID, AND THEY WERE AWESOME.

BAM.

I mentioned a while back that I want a ridiculous floofy robe with the burning passion of a thousand suns. I have no business owning a floofy robe, mind. Gus would try to kill it and Ruby would try to bathe it, and failing either of those options they’d just put their fur all over it. I guess I just want to have Amy Adams’ wardrobe from Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day and be fabulous and dashing and end up with Lee Pace (one of my cinematic boyfriends, along with Chris Evans).

Frances McDormand and Amy Adams in “Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day.” The costumes are AMAZING, and there is a lingerie fashion show in the movie. And there is also Lee Pace. It’s excellent.

Anyway, the point is, Julia Lambert understands, and she got me the next best thing: Floofy Impractical Bedroom Slippers!

Pleaser also makes good pole dancing shoes. If, you know, that’s relevant to your life.

Ohhhh I love them so much. True to form, Gus tried to eat them almost immediately, but I’ll just store them safely in their box when I’m not wearing them. I tried to wear them to S Factor but the soles are so slippery I nearly died, so in my opinion these are more “Let me slip into something more comfortable” slippers than “let me take out the trash and vacuum” slippers.

Terrible Kitten is terrible.

They’re lovely, though, and they fit true to size. I have slightly narrow size 11 feet (JOY!), yet I don’t feel like my feet are going to slide down in these. Floofy robe, when the day comes that you and I are one, my feet are more than ready for you.

AND NOW, THE MYSTERY PRESENT FROM ENGLAND!

Hi baby! You’re so pretty.

I suspected Kiss Me Deadly, I hoped Kiss Me Deadly, and lo, it was Kiss Me Deadly: the Vargas longline girdle in Plum (it appears to be sold out on the KMD website; link goes to Girdle Bound).  This is my very first KMD product, and when I slid it out of the packaging Julia Lambert and I both said “wow.” It’s so much prettier than I ever hoped it would be. The color is bold, the construction is impeccable, and the lines are flattering.

The girdle is constructed entirely of high-quality powermesh, with reinforced stitching at the waist to further cinch you in.

I have never worn a suspender/garter item with six hooks before, and it takes some contorting to get the back one hooked, but it’s so much more flattering than four hooks.  The tops of your stockings just LOOK tidier, they feel more secure, and three black satin bows on each side? Yes. A world of yes. It’s like your legs are beautifully-wrapped presents.  Plus, Kiss Me Deadly only uses metal hooks, not plastic, so you don’t run the risk of having your suspender suddenly pop and your stocking begin a descent down your thigh.  The girdle closes in back with the three sets of sixteen (yep, sixteen) hooks and eyes, so it does take a bit of practice to get yourself hooked up.  I’ve found it easiest to start at the top and work my way down.

Godspeed.

As far as sizing goes, I will sing you the same old song about how I’m still trying to adjust to recent weight gain and shape changes, so I erred on the side of caution when I responded to what I now see was Julia Lambert’s subtle sussing out of my size in a Gchat conversation a few weeks ago, and I suggested largest size I thought I’d need. The girdle definitely fits, but I found after some trial and error that it fits me best on the tightest set of hooks. On the loosest, the top slid down a bit and the reinforced waist dug into my squishy bits like the waistband of a pair of tights, which is not quite the femme fatale look I was going for. On the tightest hooks, the girdle fit more firmly and produced a smoother line, the reinforced waist nipping me in instead of digging. I’d recommend going for the smallest size you think will fit you, unless KMD recommends otherwise on their website (as they sometimes do for specific products). I’m also a bit short-waisted, so even though I’m tall, there’s still the slightest pucker in the back where there’s a bit of extra length, and I think going for a smaller size might help resolve this issue as well. As it is, I found that fastening the girdle slightly high and tucking the back under my bra band helps keep things nice and smooth.

I can’t wait for the next time my budget allows me to order a new treat from Kiss Me Deadly. I’m pleased beyond reason with both the design and execution of my girdle, I like that I can recommend an independent designer so highly, I think the prices are spot-on, and I like that KMD is committed to promoting diversity in the lingerie industry. If you’re interested in ordering, don’t forget that if you sign up to be a Very Important Addict over at The Lingerie Addict you’ll get an exclusive discount code to use on your first order! KMD ships internationally, and they occasionally run free shipping promotions. KMD products are also available at a few US retailers, including Girdle Bound.

So, Sweets? I’ve never worn suspender belts/girdles/things-with-garters before. WTF is this madness?

I’ve had a few people who are new to frilly lingerie ask me about how to wear suspender belts, which is totally valid, because they’re not a hugely common lingerie item and they are a little trickier than just tugging on a pair of pantyhose.  One question that often comes up is “Under or over?” You frequently see models wearing them over a brief or thong, which is pretty, but it means that every time you visit the ladies’ room, you’ll have to unhook your stockings, roll them down, slip your knickers off, and then re-dress yourself and re-hook your stockings when you’re finished.

Like this! On the plus side, you can see all the pretty details in the suspender. On the negative side, bathroom shenanigans. (This is the Lyla set by Freya, and I WANTS IT.)

I find it much more sensible to get my stockings hooked and happy BEFORE pulling on my knickers, so that the suspenders will actually lie under the knicker. Y’all, I am not good at getting my stockings seams straight, and I’m only fiddling with them once.

Lorna set by Agent Provocateur. Here, the model wears the knickers over the suspender belt, which is how I roll, because obviously I am JUST LIKE an Agent Provocateur model.

That being said, be warned: I experimented with the knickers-over-stockings plan with this girdle, and I’m sorry to report that it’s a no-go. This is truly a long-line girdle, and on me it falls directly from my underbust to my low hips/rear. Wearing knickers over the girdle is both uncomfortable and kinda crazy looking. So there will be some slight bathroom shenanigans, but then you’ll look down and be all “holy crap, this is so pretty!” and you’ll probably be okay.

Next question: how do I actually affix my stockings to those weird button-clasp-hookie-things?

First of all, make sure you have a pair of stockings, not a pair of hold-ups.  Hold-ups will have thick strips of silicone to help them stick to your thighs without suspenders, and they’ll be too thick and cumbersome to fit comfortably in the hooks.  The claspy things come in two parts: a raised button on a tab, and a clasp that lies on top of it. Lots of contemporary suspenders come with plastic clasps, but Kiss Me Deadly only uses metal ones, which are both easier to hook and more secure.

You’ll want to lift up the clasp and lay the top edge of your stocking on top of the button.

Next, pull the button up and press it through the wider, top part of the clasp so that your stocking is pressed between the button and the clasp.

Finally, keeping the button pressed up, slide it down so that it cinches into the narrow end of the clasp, locking the stocking in place.

There you go!  Knock ‘em dead, you sexy thing.